It's a shitutation

Heh heh.  Get it?  It's a portmanteau for shitty situation.  Okay, so maybe I lifted that from Dane Cook's relationshit (shitty relationship).  Anyhiz.  

I'm not talking about my current situation.  At the moment, everything is going incredibly well.  It's mind-blowing how much my vision has improved over the past three weeks.  It's like... the ramp is so long, and I'm doing the exact right things, so the result is significant perceived changes every day, and huge perceived changes every week.  

No, by shituation, I'm talking about the situation that I was previously in, and which I believe many, many others are currently in.

It's the situation where gaining stereopsis as an adult is still new and controversial.  It's where you have educated people like Susan Barry who gained stereopsis themselves, and say you should go see a COVD vision therapist to put in your hand to fix your vision.  And at the same time there are many many optometrists and eye doctors who will tell you that vision therapy doesn't work.  

Well, who's right?  Susan Barry is right.  But also, so kind of are the vision therapists who say vision therapy doesn't work.  I think they're both kind of right.  As the optometrist I recently saw said to me 'Adults very rarely gain stereopsis.  Oh by the way, if you want to gain stereopsis, I recommend this vision therapist.'.  Wtf man.   You guys are all creeps.

Indeed, one of my homies back from the Facebook days, Michael Lievens (has a great blog Strabismus World) is someone who was on the same journey as me, and who gave up and had a kid.  So too, presumably, have many others I had gotten to know over the years.  Why?  Because adult brains are hard, and gaining stereopsis as an adult is extremely difficult.  

So the shituation is that there are many many people out there who have vision problems who are given somewhat false hopes by people like Susan Barry ("See, I did it, so can you.").  Those people are given hope, and then they spend huge amounts of time and money on a vision therapist and ultimately give up due to lack of progress and funds.  So they spend a lot of time and money on a vision therapist and get nothing in return.  And actually, it can be worse than if they had never started, because they had begun to lift the suppression, without having full fusion, which can result in double vision.  And guess what vision therapists are not going to do: they're not going to refuse your money.  That's the shitutation.

Adults becoming conscious to the idea that they can gain stereopsis is still a new thing.  It's nascent tech, and thus, vision therapy as an adult is a painful ordeal.  Being on the forefront is not for the pain-intolerant.  

The good news, however, is that technology generally goes in one direction: it gets better with time.  I do think that, with time, Susan Barry will be proven right--even if it is with some caveats.  I never had a vision therapist tell me to do keto or to submerge my body into ice water, and I probably never will.  It just sound nuts.  In time, I think it will be obvious that gaining stereopsis as an adult must be combined with activities that put the brain into a ready state in order for the training to be effective.  That can be Syntonics, tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation), the ketogenic diet, or daily cold exposure.  Of course, if you're reading this blog, you know what has worked for me (keto, and cold exposure).  

Old vs new

I remember listening to a conversation on Joe Rogan's podcast.  He was talking about MMA and the advantages of fighting as a young fighter (25 years old, for instance) vs fighting as as an older fighter (40 years old), and how performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) throw a monkey wrench in the balance.  

For instance, he said that pitting an older fighter against a younger fighter can be surprisingly balanced.  He said that this is because the young fighter has an advantage with agility due to having a younger, more spry body, while the older fighter has an experience advantage: he has been fighting for a much longer time than the younger fighter.  The two advantages they both have can have the effect of canceling each other out. 

But if you pump up the older fighter with steroids, then the younger fighter has effectively lost his advantage because steroids effectively give the old fighter a new body.  So now they're equally agile and spry, while the older fighter still has the experience advantage.  Not fair!

Indeed, I had a girlfriend around ten years ago who was a nurse at the time.  She told me about the widespread use of steroids seen in nursing homes.  Apparently TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) is extremely common among the elderly.  This is because it effectively makes them young again.  It has positive effects on so many things, including cognition, mobility, energy--more or less everything.  One of the effects of this is that it makes them extremely horny.  She explained that STIs are comically common in retirement communities, because the excess testosterone has such a powerful effect on libido.  And try and guess what these elderly are not using in conjunction with TRT.  Condoms.   

TRT and steroid use is extremely common in today's society--not just among the elderly--for the positive effects it has on people--energy, strength, mobility, cognition.  And why not?  As long as you use it responsibly, it seems the benefits outweigh the negatives.  

Of course, there's no such thing as a biological free lunch.  I'm positive that testosterone is the main reason men don't live as long as women.  And it's not due to the stupid risky things that you see men do that women tend not to do.  I think it's more to do with the cascading biological effects testosterone has on the body, and hardening of artery walls that testosterone seems to play a role in.  I'll probably get on it in my mid-50s, but my body still works basically like it does when it was 20 (I am now 40), so I'm holding off for now.

That's one of the perks of having undergone this journey of vision therapy.  There are a number of reasons I did it.  

One is that I knew my eyes and basic hardware were good, and that gaining stereopsis as an adult, in principle, would be a matter of training and work.  In principle, it should be possible.  Other people in a similar situation to myself have done it.  I should be able to do it as well.  And indeed, if my hardware is good, and it's possible for me to gain stereopsis, then it would be a crying shame for me to not at least attempt to put in my hand and fix my vision.  

Another reason is that I knew it would be difficult--if not, the most difficult thing I ever do.  If I actually were able to achieve my goals, I knew I would learn extremely valuable skills and lessons along the way: skills and lessons that I would be able to use and apply to other unrelated challenges and goals in life.  I could use this challenge as a unique opportunity for building my person and adding value to my neural net.  

And finally, I want to help others who are in the same situation that I'm in.  The shit situation that I was in, and which I know with certitude that many others are currently in.  I mean, I'm not a UPenn neuroscientist like Susan Barry, who had access to world-renowned vision therapist Dr. Theresa Ruggiero.  I'm just a curious, hardworking IT nerd with a ton of grit who's willing to do anything.  I did what Susan Barry suggested for others to do: get a COVD vision therapist.  I did that for a year, and didn't achieve much.  

So I did vision training on my own and went on my own investigations.  I met Heather, someone who gained stereopsis at around the age of 50, by initially firing her first vision therapist, got a new one, and then quickly gained stereopsis with the new one.  She's the one who introduced me to Syntonics (the reason for the name of this blog).  She also introduced me to Columns.  She quickly gained stereopsis with her new vision therapist through a combination of Syntonics and the Columns exercise.  I tried following what she did, but like with Susan Barry's suggestion of getting a COVD vision therapist, that didn't work either.  I spent at least 2-3 years doing Syntonics in combination of vision therapy no little to no success.  But she did instill the idea in me that success in vision therapy as an adult requires priming the brain, softening it, and increasing neuroplasticity in order to allow vision therapy to work.  

Many years later and through experimentation, I found that a combination of cold exposure and ketogenic diet would allow me to make progress in Columns that was required.  I think I'm very close.  

So yeah, the journey has been incredibly long, painful, and lonely, but I did learn some incredibly important and useful things.  You are alone in this journey.  No one is going to fix your vision for you.  You have to do everything.   It will be hard work, and you will probably have to do some painful and unpleasant things for long stretches of time.  It definitely hardened me.  

The things that worked for others did not work for me, but they did sort of get me on the right track.  Susan Barry inspired me, and demonstrated that it could be done.  She started it all for me.  Heather showed me Columns, and that the nervous system needs to be primed and put into a ready state in order for vision training to be effective.  There is a shitload that I had to figure out on my own.  Was the vision therapist I had 12 years ago going to tell me to build a cold plunge in my shed and to submerge my body into 35 degree water for five minutes at a time every day, or to do keto?  No.  I had to figure that shit out on my own.  

But I did figure it out.  And I'm glad as fuck that I did.  These techniques are life-changing.  I'm sure that these two things: cold exposure, and keto, have made my brain young and agile again.  So now I kind of have it both ways.  I have many years of experience (I'm almost 40 years old), and I have a youthful and agile mind.  I'm excited to see what the future holds for me, and I hope others can benefit from what I've learned.  

In addition, I hope people who were in my shitty situation can use what I've learned to gain stereopsis, and achieve things they might not have thought were possible.  And of course, we're talking about the brain--so this journey is not just about vision.  It's about the brain, and human potential.  Press on!

Due for some fireworks

 Yeah... noticed quite a lot of objective improvement markers today, which did not (yet) correspond to huge substantive subjective markers of improvement (depth qualia).  However, I have been noticing improved field of vision... and a sort of vividness that's hard to quantify.  It's almost like the brain is semi-fusing the images together and producing better visual fidelity, brightness, and crispness.  It's like there's a layer underneath that's ready to come bursting through.  It is quite exciting.  

Why it's such a long ramp

 I suspect the reason it's such a long ramp is because there are so many things that are being fixed behind the scenes.  One is the difference in simultaneous accommodation between the two eyes.  Another is the cyclodeviation (which I suspect is being fixed in software).  Perhaps there's additional software accommodations that are being made for the difference in refractive index for each eye.  So there's a lot to tend to that I'm kind of bulldozing my way through.  It's nice how accommodating the brain is for imperfections.  

Regardless.  I had an amazing day today.  Again, I saw massive improvements today.  Like, driving my car, I notice the normal double pair of road lines that are due to diplopia (sounds more dangerous than it actually is--I'm used to it).  The pair of road lines has nagged at me, because I can see the twist due to the cyclodeviation.  But today, I'm noticing the twist is way less, and the double images are closing in on one another.  Fusion cannot be far away.  I'm thinking another three to four weeks.  I had a pretty good session of PavlovVR today.  There was one point where I had a new sensation and I felt like it was about to fuse.  The double images suddenly got real close to one another, and it was effortless.  It didn't happen, but it was close.  I kinda suspect I might get fusion in VR first, because the eyes need to move less in VR, and because the stereo cues are so artificially exagerrated and powerful in VR.

Long ramp, lots of daily progress

 This is weird.  It's weird because even now that I'm doing exactly what needs doing, it's still taking a long time.  I'm hitting these exercises in exactly the right spot at a super high dose (an hour per day).  I am seeing huge improvement daily, and it feels like I will keep doing this for maybe another three to four weeks.   There will be a point sometime in the future where I've squeezed everything I can out of this regimen.  I'm hoping that's the point at which I'll have stereopsis.  It almost feels like everything I've done prior to this has been bullshit.  It's a little frustrating.  12 years of bullshit.  Oh well.  Better late than never.  

But at the same time, it's extremely exciting to think that even with the amount with which I've seen improvement, there is far more improvement to come.  

Still making fast progress

 Things seemed to slow down, just slightly.  Once I made that change in how I do Columns, things jerked forward very suddenly.  Things calmed down a bit, but I'm still making fast progress.  This appears to be a longer ramp than I expected.  There is quite a lot more work to do, but the workouts I'm doing are still challenging, which is important.  If the workouts aren't challenging, that means you're not moving forward.  So that's one way I know I'm still making rapid progress.  The other way I know I'm making rapid progress is that I'm seeing huge changes in VR.  It feels like stereopsis could come in at any moment, but I know from the objective markers, I'm not there quite yet.  I think that may be another two to three weeks.  Just taking it one day at a time.  It'll be super interesting to see where I am on Saturday/Sunday.

Lowering Columns to one-hour session

 Okay... maybe this will take a bit more time than expected.  Progress went so fast, and it still is.  I'm lowering the dose to one hour now.  

I did make a ton of progress last week.  Now it takes quite a bit less time for accommodation on both sides to appear equal.  The paper seems quite solid now.  I think two hours of Columns was a bit too much.  An hour should suffice.  I'll keep at it and see where I am at the end of the week.

I am pumped. Stereopsis is imminent.

 It feels like I may have fusion within two weeks.  Maybe less.  I am pumped.  My life is about to change in a huge way.  And it will be happening very soon.  

Wow wow wow wow. I am close.

 Wow.  

I predicted at the beginning of the week that this would be a productive week.  Indeed it was.  Driving around... wow.  I am close.  This is a bullshit amount of work.  Press on!

4-minute mile

 I was thinking... what if adults gaining stereopsis is a bit like runners initially breaking the 4-minute mile barrier?  Initially people thought breaking the 4-minute mile in running was impossible.  Then it was done by that Bannister fellow in the 60s.  Then once people realized it was possible, then it became possible, and tons of people began breaking the 4-minute barrier, and now it's not even considered to be that impressive.

What if once people observe adults gaining stereopsis late in life, and it becomes a thing, then that encourages many more people to try their hand?  They will realize it can be done and then say 'If that person can do it, then so can I.'  And then swarms of people try their hand and achieve stereopsis.  Perhaps it requires a critical mass.  What if this 'critical period' idea in psychology does indeed need to be revisited?  

The interesting thing about this idea is that it could mean a lot more people will fix their vision.  But it will also do a lot to change the way that people think about neuroplasticity and developing new skills in general, which could have far reaching consequences for the quality of life of many people.  

Thank God for VR

 Man, I'm making fast progress.  This is exciting as hell.  Right now the objective markers of progress are not super obvious.   However, in the evening when I go into VR, the subjective markers are very obvious.   It is getting increasingly immersive even while I still have obvious diplopia (I can see two barrels of the M4 rifle I use).  But I am seeing more, and am becoming more of a visual animal.  It's good for morale.  

I did just get back from grocery stores.  Grocery stores are another good thing for gauging progress as they they are designed to be visually stimulating.  I did wander in there, and noticed how bright things are, and noticeably more stimulating.  I am definitely becoming a more visual animal.  

Something struck me funny as I recalled the conversation I had with the optometrist the other day.  He mentioned that it was rare for adults to gain stereopsis.  I fully understand that--and I fully get why it's so rare.  It requires an unbelievable amount of grit and persistence--an amount that the vast bulk of people simply cannot muster.  So... why did he recommend a vision therapist if it's likely that I would not achieve my goals?  heh.  Something stinks about it.  

Another thing that stinks about it is that he said that I would not be able to achieve my goals without a vision therapist.  We'll see about that, won't we.  

This is an insane amount of work, but I'm making fast progress

 Yeah, this is a bit painful, and a shit ton of work, but I am moving quickly, which is all I could wish for.  

It's that stretching I'm working on, trying to slide from one eye to another, and keeping both accommodated at the same time.  I find that near the end of the two-hour workouts I have both sides pretty close to fully in-focus.  However, the next day, it's like I have to start from scratch--but there is memory from the last time.  I think I have to just keep doing this, and over time, it will take less and less time to get both sides in focus at the same time.  This really is a bullshit amount of work, but I also understand that's the way it has to be. 

I did get my prescription.  I'll probably have some spectacles sent to me sometime in the next few days. 

Had an interesting conversation with the optometrist.  My reason for going there was to get both eyes equal.  I explained the reason why (I want to get both eyes as equal as possible in terms of refractive index--in case that matters--for vision training.).  Regardless, he recommended a vision therapist, and gave me a recommendation--a woman I actually met and had an evaluation with quite a while ago.  No, I'm not going to dox her.  

Anyway, he did explain that it is uncommon for adults to gain stereopsis.  I told him that I believe it, and that was one of the causes of hesitance of me going forward with vision training with the woman he recommended.  In my visit with her sometime, maybe seven years ago, I asked her a pointed question (I am forward).  I asked her the success rate of her clients.  What percentage of her clients achieved their goals.  She said 100%.  That immediately turned me off, because I knew that it was not possible, and she was lying.  Lying is a huge no-no in my book.  The only possible way her clients' success rate is 100% is if she had one or two clients, and they were very lucky.  

I explained that to him, and he understood.  I also told him about the vision therapist I had around 13 years ago, and explained the situation.  Basically, I did vision therapy for a year, and spent $7,000, and did not achieve my goal: stereopsis.  The vision therapist said she thought we could make good progress if we kept going, but I explained that spending another year of work and another $7,000 for maybe achieving my goals isn't good enough.  I fully understand why she had no problems with it.  She had nothing to lose.  But what about me?  

There is something sleazy about many vision therapists, that's for sure (obviously not all).  And it's sad.  It's the same deal with health professionals.  We'd like to think they're putting us, the patients, first.  Of course, only a child or dunce thinks that.  "Oh, you feel sad sometimes?  Let me prescribe you this SSRI.  No need for evaluation, I can tell you need it.  This is the good stuff here, the supplier who takes me out to fancy dinners and expensive ski trips says it's real good and has no side effects."

Persistence

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.  The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." -- Calvin Coolidge

Current regimen

 I'm doing about two hours of Columns every day. until I achieve my goals--or until it makes sense for me to not do it anymore.  So I do that during the day, and then in the night, I'll do quite a bit of VR to work on integration (I am seeing way more depth now than ever).   It is exhausting.  Even though I know exactly what to do, and I'm doing all the right things, it still takes a lot out of me.  

On the right path

 Yeah, I'm definitely doing the exercise correctly now.  I'm more convinced than ever that I really needed the cold exposure and ketogenic diet in order to give the visual system the stamina it needs for the exercises to be effective.  

I was playing PavlovVR yesterday, and wow, does it look different.  Quite a bit more depth.  Yesterday I did Columns for around two hours, interpersed with breaks.  It really does take a lot out of me doing this much vision therapy.  I've even adjusted the way I do the exercises again.  I'll keep my left eye fixed on the letter, and then kind of slowly shift over to the right side.  Shift--as opposed to switch.  I can kind of slide over, and by doing this, I feel like I'm stretching the system, allowing for both sides to be in focus more and more with each pass.  This is me effectively 'tuning' the visual system.  As mentioned before, I may not need refractive correction, but I'm going to get it anyway.  I'll probably end up not using it.  It can't hurt to have the contacts there.  I have my optometrist appointment on the 14th.  I took my keto break on Saturday (ate a bunch of carbs), and went back into it on Sunday.  I felt my body switch to ketosis last night.  Should be a very productive week.  

Yep, I figured it out

 Yeah, I figured it out.  I've been doing Columns the new way for about two hours today (normally I do 20 minutes).  When I walk away, I notice my diplopia has wayyyy lowered (double images are nearly on top of one another--close to fusion).  And this is due to changes that were made in the past two hours alone.  It is definitely cause and effect.  I can't believe it.  I'm almost done... after 13 freakin' years.  I'm gonna go get some groceries.  I wonder what the store will look like.  

I think I got it (holy shit)

 To be clear, I don't yet have fusion/stereopsis, but I think I'm going to have it very soon.  I think I figured out Columns.  I actually think the improvement that I already mentioned today was related to the session of Columns I had done the previous day.  I had done it slightly differently than normal.  Here's what it was.  

Basically I was doing Columns much slower and more deliberately.  I was focused on seeing the entire paper with the whole of my vision.  So when I was shifting from column to column, when looking at the letter with my left eye (say), I would simultaneously be looking at the corresponding letter on the other side, and sort of notice the entire sheet at the same time.  It's a bit more difficult than normal shifting around, but it helps keep both sides in focus simultaneously (that's always been my problem).  As I do this, I notice that I can see both sides at the same time, and this is how it would be with normal vision.  So I just have to keep working that muscle, so that the entire sheet is solid.  If I keep doing this, it will become totally solid, and when it is solid, this will mean that I have fusion. 

Holy shit.  This is my Aha!  I fuckin' have this in the bag.  Holy shit.  I can't believe it.  Holy shit.  Holy fucking shit.  

Another massive improvement

 Wow.  I notice a huge improvement over yesterday.  Things feel effortless.  I still have a way to go, but things feel different, and amazing!  It really feels like I don't have much more to go.  I think the fact that I recently got knocked into ketosis made a huge difference.  So it's the combo of cold exposure + keto + Columns exercise + VR that's really making the difference.  The keto is really huge.  It just gives you the mental/visual energy that's needed to make vision therapy effective.  I think it also does something with neuroplasticity.  I am extremely excited to think that I may be near the finishing line.  I really... ok... breathe.  

Might not need correction, but going to get it anyway

 I've got an optometrist appointment coming soon to fix the refractive difference between the eyes (left eye sees better up close, right eye sees better far away).  

I recently made a small change in my diet which made me realize I was not in ketosis for a long time.  It's frustrating how easy it is to fall out of ketosis if you're not paying attention.  Anyway, all of the benefits of ketosis suddenly came back in, and my vision has again, improved quite a lot in response to the dietary change.  I'm seeing the double images come significantly closer, and it's like I have a lot more 'visual power' if you will.  I highly recommend the ketogenic diet for adults doing vision therapy.  

It's possible that I don't need correction in refraction, but I'm going to do it anyway.  It's not as expensive as I thought.  It can't hurt.  Worst case scenario, the contacts will just sit on my bathroom shelf.

Man, all these little things add up.  The exercises, the cold exposure, and the ketogenic diet.  I think I'm going to continue doing these things even after I achieve all my goals, because there's a reason these things help with the eyes.  They help the brain perform.  The eyes are the brain.  So that means these things I've learned in fixing my vision will be useful and helpful to me for as long as I have my brain--the duration of my life.  I do want to become proficient at Spanish, and perhaps become equivalent to a native Spanish speaker.  Is that possible at the age of 40-ish?  Will these things I've learned help me achieve that?  We will certainly find out.  

Back in ketosis

 Damn, I had fallen out of ketosis for a long time without knowing it.  I made a dietary change recently that put me into ketosis--and made me realize that there was a long period of time this year when I thought I was doing keto, but was not, in fact, doing keto.  Main thing to know about keto is that you have to get your macros right, and you have to eat a ton of fat.  If you can manage that, then keto is very easy, and there are huge benefits to it--most important to me is that it facilitates brain health and function.  Another thing to know about keto is that probably 95% of people who think they're doing keto--or that they're on 'keto'--are not in fact doing it.  Doing keto requires knowing what is needed for keto and being deliberate about it.  

For me, the cognitive benefits to keto are the biggest part.  It reduces the need for sleep, improves mental performance, lowers base levels of anxiety, suppresses appetite (and thusly is often used as a strategy for weight loss), lowers inflammation int the body, and particularly relevant to me, it very significantly improves vision.  Bah, just pisses me off because I've done this before.  I've even had similar posts to this in the past where I made a dietary change, which suddenly caused me to realize I had not been doing keto for a long time while thinking I had been.  It's easy to think you're doing keto when you're not.  I barely eat any carbohydrates at all... but if you throw in a giant chicken breast on your salad, that can throw you out of ketosis--if it throws off the carb/protein/fat ratio to enough of an extent.  Oh well... lesson learned.  Hopefully I don't have to learn it again.  

Gonna get correction

 I scheduled an appointment to get prescription contacts to fix the refractive difference between the eyes.  I want to get this problem fixed yesterday.

Need to increase Columns

 I need to increase the duration of Columns workout duration.  Lately the workouts had been around 5 minutes.  Recently I changed it to 20 minutes and saw substantial changes the next day (today).  Really noticeable when driving my car.  The eyes sort of naturally landed where they should, and the distance of the double images are substantially closer to one another.  Also.... noticing quite a larger field of vision.  There's so much more that I can see now.  It's pretty dope.

Feels close to fusion

 As said in previous entries, it feels like I had slowed down a bit since I came back from Argentina about three weeks ago, but then things had sped up again in the past week.  Normally I'll see significant changes every three days or so.  Recently it's been ever day.  I can kind of tell when improvement is occurring, and when the binocular neuropathways are being worn into.  Now it's more or less constant.  

There's still a bit of uncertainty because I definitely have a bit more hyperopia on the right eye, but I'm hoping that doesn't matter.  I think it might not.  But this is definitely enjoyable.  

Opening the channel

Man, when I came back from Buenos Aires it felt like I backtracked a bunch on my progress.  But it really didn't take too much time to realize that's not the case.  I got back into my normal routine.  Fortunately, I got back to my cold plunge of which I've been making judicious and liberal use.   

So much of my vacation time was spent walking around the city looking around, exercising my eyes without vision training.  I got back and began walking around as a normal exercise, but also doing the Columns exercise as well as plenty of VR.  VR has changed quite a bit.  It is quite a bit more immersive, even though I am not yet there, and I do not yet have fusion.  I think what's happening now is that my brain is working on using the two visual channels in tandem now that the motor ability of both eyes is pretty high.  One is still a bit weaker than the other and the text for one of the double images is a bit smaller and weaker.  

I switched from Pavlov VR to Half-Life: Alyx recently, which I had not played in a long time.  And damn, it's almost a different game, and it feels very different from how I remembered it as my vision improved so much since the last time I played it.  The depth is so much more pronounced.  It definitely feels like I'm somewhere between 2d and 3d.  However, I have noticed that when playing these games it is very enjoyable using my new vision.  I've put so many hours into these games, there's no longer any novelty to them.  But I have injected novelty into them with my new vision.  The games are different from how I remember them.  I'm noticing a lot more details than I never noticed before, and I'm sure that this is solidifying and improving the vision.  Just have to keep going, opening the channel, wearing the groove, taking cold plunges.  

Also, my sleeping has been absolute shit lately.  I have noticed in the past that this has corresponded with changes with my vision as well. 

Wow, feels like I'm really close now

 Wow wow wow.  This feels good, like this is going to come soon.  This is like the third time in two weeks when I noticed my vision was massively improved in a single day.  My eyes seem to work really well now, even switching my eyes from my monitor off to the distance works pretty well (diplopia is still there when looking off in the distance, but getting much lower).  

I am currently in a stage of some jerkiness as mentioned before, because I am making constant conscious adjustments.  It's a lot of work, but not that exhausting (though I suspect I will sleep well tonight).  It really feels weird and different and I notice my eyes are doing a lot of what they're supposed to without conscious intention.  I still need to use my consciousness to steer, but much of it is now done without the need of my consciousness.

Skipped a few days, got kind of drunk

 Last time I noticed huge changes was three days ago.  The vision was still good in the preceding days, but hadn't noticed any real changes until today again--and it's still only midday.  So today is going to be great, and I'm looking forward to seeing (heh) what happens. 

Not a whole lot to say that wouldn't be redundant.  On mind in particular is how my vision feels.  It's like this thing--the I--the homunculus is kind of shifting between my eyes.  I know where he's supposed to be.  He's supposed lying flat--prone--between the two eyes.  And I can kind of squash him down at will, and when I do, it feels freaking amazing.  It's impossible to describe.  

As I look at the text as I write this, I am notice a very small amount of difference in size and clarity of the text for the double images.  If my vision feels this good right now, even with diplopia, it's hard to imagine how great it's going to feel when it's completely gone.  As I look around at the objects, I am noticing the diplopia is very close to being gone (the overlaying of the double images are closer together now than they ever have been--by a significant margin--even compared to yesterday--so I'm very excited to get out and walk and use my vision).  

I did get kind of drunk last night.  That's supposed to be bad for the brain--and health in general--so I do drink in moderation--maybe a few times a week, socially.  Very occasionally--maybe two times a year--I will get properly shitfaced.  That does seem to have an impact on vision--a positive impact on vision the next day.  I'm not sure why, but that won't stop me from speculating.  And of course, I'm not advocating people go on benders to accelerate results in vision therapy.  But here goes.  

I have noticed, generally, that I will see significant improvements in results the day after a significant system shock.  Pulling multiple all-nighters in a row would be an example of a system shock.  It's really not good for you, and I'm not advocating doing it.  But there are times when it happens and it's fact of life that sometimes it's unavoidable.  But once it's done and I've had a day or two for recovery, I'll notice significant improvement in my vision.  Getting properly shitfaced would be another example of a system shock.  I suspect something similar is going on with cold exposure when one submerges his body in 33º F water for five minutes.  If you've done it, you know that it is a system shock--although undoubtedly healthier and more sustainable than benders or acute sleep deprivation.  So I suspect there's some kind of hormetic effect going on--and that might be part of what's going on.  

Since I noticed that relationship between a good shit-facing, and improved vision the succeeding day, that got me curious about what kind of impact a good shit-facing has on the brain.  So I ran some queries and found this. 

Acute doses of alcohol impair memory when administered before encoding of emotionally neutral stimuli but enhance memory when administered immediately after encoding, potentially by affecting memory consolidation. Here, we examined whether alcohol produces similar biphasic effects on memory for positive or negative emotional stimuli.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4711324/

So it seems that there is some science in the idea that a good shit-facing can enhance memory consolidation after memories have been made.  

That would definitely seem to jibe with my own personal experience.  When I do vision workouts, I'm imprinting memories on my visual system, and making changes to my brain.  Then afterwards, I'll brine my neurons a bit with some ethanol, and thus consolidate those changes.  Again, not saying one should do this.  Just noticing.

Lot of progress/jerkiness/relief

Today has been another mammoth step change in my vision.  I still have more weeks ahead of me, but I'm relieved that I no longer believe I have to make any changes to my regimen until the day my new vision arrives.  I don't have to make any changes like get contact lenses.  

To date, this has to be the biggest change I've so far seen.  In a sense, my vision is a bit more unstable than it was in the days preceding, because my visual system suddenly has a lower tolerance for visual conflict.  That's a good thing.  But it also means that I've been doing a lot of constant adjusting/tugging at my eyes when they get out of line.  I know I'm still suppressing, but it's a complex thing.  It's pretty damn amazing.  I'm exhausted. 

Ok, wow. Making a lot of progress as of late.

 I haven't been doing any vision therapy at all.  I've been doing a lot of walking, and practicing binocular posture while doing that.  I'll really focus on looking off into the distance, minimizing diplopia, keeping a singular whole view of everything in front of me, keeping both visual channels (for both eyes) open, willing the information to pass through to my visual cortex, keeping my gaze soft, keeping motor control on for both eyes. 

It's a lot to think about, but it's becoming less thinking, and over time it's becoming more automatic.  I kind of figured out how to chunk all of these things into a single 'feeling'--so it's not as much mental effort as it sounds.  I've offloaded a huge amount of it into a single chunk.  Now I just have to keep building on that chunk.  

So I've been working on this chunk for quite a number of hours each day while I walk.  I'll periodically look down and at something like my hand, or feet in order to give my extra-ocular muscles a workout--my obliques in particular.  

 

It's weird to think that you have a pair of muscles that control eye-torsion--that you can twist your eyes.  There's an excellent video about it here.  Once you understand it, it makes total sense. 

In addition to having esotropia, hypertropia, possible aniseikonia (one eye's image input looks larger than the other), I also had cyclodeviation (one of the eye's input is twisted compared to the other).  I wasn't sure how that was going to be fixed. 

Alas my persistence with all of this was enabled by my faith in my neuroplasticity, and of the plasticity of my visual system.  I was confident that if I gave my brain the right input, and trained it how to use the eyes in the right way, that my brain would sort out how to make sense of the input--regardless of how messed up that input was.  How did I untwist my visual input?  How did I correct the size of the visual input?  How did I correct all of those deviations?  Through an ungodly amount of persistence, experimentation, introspection, submerging my body in ice water, and frankly--it took balls.  As far as the details of how my brain did it, that's a great question.  Our bodies and brains are a freaking miracle.  That's how.

I feel like I've hit a huge milestone, and I have a much stronger grasp of how to use my eyes.  It feels damn good.  It feels damn good to know that I did this--but the sensation itself of using my eyes correctly is incredible.  It feels really freaking good.  And this is how normal people feel--lucky bastards.  I'm reminded of something Susan Barry said about her new vision after she gained permanent stereopsis at the age of 50, which is that people who have a normally developed visual system have no idea how great it is.  It's impossible for them to fully appreciate what a miracle it is.  I feel like I'm getting closer, day by day, to understanding what she meant by that.  I feel great to know that I finally know what I'm doing, and the rest is going to be easy.  Just gotta keep going, and enjoy the ride. 

To soften one's gaze

 About four days or so ago, I was playing PavlovVR, and was enjoying myself immensely--not so much from the game itself, but by how much more 'on' my eyes were.  I was definitely picking up a lot more visual information than normal, and had a much greater sense of depth and immersion.  I'm becoming a much more visual animal.  I was just noticing that there were certain things, certain details, like birds in the sky, or someone's facial expression, that I would have never noticed before. 

I was moving around, noticing that I could pay attention through both eyes, it suddenly occurred to me what my vision therapist told me to do about 13 years ago.  In some of my exercises, she told me to 'soften' my gaze.  I kind of knew what she meant.  But now I really know what it means.  It's easing effort--and really taking attention away from any singular source of input--more like easing back and noticing input.  This takes the strain off, and I found it made my eyes do their thing more naturally, and without effort.  It's kind of funny.  I was thinking about using my eyes in a productive way, and then I naturally found myself softening my gaze, as prescribed my vision therapist all those years ago. 

I can feel big changes coming

 My vision feels very different as of late.  I'm not sure how this is going to pan out, but the changes are great, and I'm enjoying it.  

It definitely feels like everything I did before cold exposure was just me becoming familiar and intimate with my visual system, but then everything afterward was action, and actual change-making.  I know that's not true.  My visual system did change quite a lot before cold exposure (B.C.E.).  But things have accelerated, for sure.  I am excite.

Expecting perceptual shift soon

 I've talked in previous entries how there's a little dance I notice between subjective and objective markers of improvement, and that there doesn't seem to be a 1:1 correlation between the two.  Like if I see objective improvement is convergence and my ability to lock on objects with both eyes, it doesn't necessarily correlate with increased brightness, perceived detail, or depth.  However, they do seem to track each other imperfectly.  So if I notice a ton of objective improvement, and I don't yet have the corresponding subjective improvement, I know I am 'due' for subjective improvement and changes in qualia in the near-term.  That describes my current situation pretty well.  I am due for some changes.  That's kind of where VR comes in.  For some reason, the stereo cues are so artificially ramped up in VR that I can more easily gauge where I am on the subjective side.

Powering through aniseikonia

 Man... messing with VR has been wild lately.  It does appear to be doing a lot of work as of late.  I'm noticing depth more and more with objects further out.  I can definitely notice depth with the rear of the gun (as you hold it out in front of you).  But I'm now noticing it more and more with other objects.  Things are definitely changing.  

I'd mentioned in previous entries that the power of the input for each eye is not the same, and that text size and clarity is different for each eye.  It's actually hard to say which eye it was that looks better for close-up objects at the moment.   I think it's probably left.  That's how much things have changed.

I think that's one of the things I've noticed as I improve generally, there is more equality between the two eyes.  How is that happening?  Is it because because they're being used equally, and so their strength becomes somewhat equal through equal use?  Or is it because of the underlying neurology?  For instance, perhaps the optical power isn't changing for the eyes themselves, but the signal being received in the visual cortex is changing as a result of stronger, more robust neural pathway. 

That's kind of the crazy thing about the eyes.  A lot can be done in software.  The brain is a bit different from a computer, because with computers there's a hard line between software and hardware.  With the brain, it's all wetware, which physically changes as you make changes to your program.

Painful lesson

 I think I'm going to wait on optics correction as mentioned in the previous entry.  Seeing very fast changes as of late.  As long as improvement is swift, I'm happy.  

It's somewhat painful to learn that this journey has taken so long because of my shitty brain.  Well.  It's not really shitty.  It just was in a very suboptimal state needed for changes that my goals required.  If I had known about cold therapy 12 years ago, I would have likely been done a long time ago.  

Don't get me wrong.  I learned a lot about my visual system, and have become very intimate and familiar with it--as well as my nervous system in general--and about mental energy, diet, and neuroplasticity.  So it wasn't really wasted effort.  

Indeed, how on Earth could my past self possibly had known that the challenge of completing the development of my visual system required submerging my body in ice water for four minutes every day?  It doesn't seem exactly obvious.  I guess I'm just extremely happy and grateful that I eventually figured it out.  That is the common recurring theme in my life.  I arrive to the party late.  I'm very lucky to be a weird, and curious guy.  Curiosity has gotten me in trouble in the past--make no bones about that--but on net, it's been an invaluable boon in my determination to have an interesting life.  My life will never be the same after having made this discovery.  I hope it can be of use to others as well.

There is a meta lesson somewhere in here.  Experiment, experiment, experiment.  Always remain open to new information.  Experimentation is the only way you can find out what works.  Question everything.  And I mean everything.  Obviously, you have to hold onto some ideas and take them for granted as true--in order for it to be possible to navigate through life.  But even the things that you've become confident about, and which you've always relied upon for success--periodically, you should question it.  Be critical.  Always.

"It ain't the things you don't know that you get you in trouble.  It's the things you know for sure that just ain't so." -- Mark Twain

Wild stuff is happening right now

 I just wanted to make a quick post.  My vision is doing crazy things now.  It's not bad in any way.  It's the opposite.  Things are going great.  It feels like this is going to happen very soon.  Not crazy soon--like today or tomorrow... but maybe within a week or two--or less.  

It is truly crazy how much better my brain seems to function right now.  Apparently I had this fog for a long time that I never realized I had, and it has suddenly lifted, due to the morning plunges.  I would recommend this for anyone who is doing vision training, or any kind of training which requires heightened neuroplasticity (which is everything).  I apparently had struck gold.

May need some additional tweaking

Progress is still occurring very rapidly.   

I did notice something that I may attempt to rectify, which is a difference in refractive index for each lens.  My right eye can see better from a distance, and my left eye sees better up close.  It's not merely an accommodation reflex thing either, because I notice this even when I compare the two eyes one at a time: with one eye closed.  So I'm thinking I may go to an optometrist to get correction so both eyes see near and far the same.    I'm sure that would help... the question is whether it's really necessary.  I may just power through it as I've done so many things in the past.  Maybe wait a week or two, and see whether that takes me.  

It's definitely the case, that as vision improves as a whole, I encounter new problems, which then have to be dealt with.  It's like a crazy staircase of problem after problem.  But there is no denying that I have climbed very high.  There's no place to go other than up. 

Full circle

 It seems like this journey has come full circle.  

The reason for the name of the blog is something called Syntonics, which a friend I know from an online group had used to basically turbocharge her neurons to make vision therapy much more productive--essentially strategically increasing neuroplasticity.  

Well, I had done it for at least a year or two.  It didn't do much in the way of improving the rate of my results.  

I had also done something called tDCS, which I had written about in previous entries, which stands for transcranial direct current stimulation.  The idea is similar to Syntonics.  However, instead of using light to stimulate neurons and increase neuroplasticity, you're stimulating neurons a bit more directly with applied direct current on the scalp.  tDCS is interesting, but like Syntonics, it also didn't do much in the way of increasing the rate of results.  

However... several years later, I did discover something which substantively improved neuroplasticity, and had a huge impact on the rate of results.  It is cold exposure.  Yes... well it didn't just improve vision, and neuroplasticity, but cognitive function in general.  I feel like I've gained maybe 10 IQ points, possibly more, with this daily three-minute therapy.  

I can't say for certain, obviously, but I do feel like I'm going to achieve my goals within two weeks... maybe less.  The rate of improvement I've noticed is absolutely insane.  

That's really what it is... my eye hardware has been good and fine the entire time.  The limiting factor has been the inflammation in my brain this entire freaking time.  And I'm willing to bet the same is true for many others with this condition.  It is the brain. 

This is definitely happening, and it will be happening soon

 I was out watching Oppenheimer today with a buddy, and there was a technical problem with the projector.  I walked out to use the bathroom and get a refill before returning to the theater.  When I was out, I got in line, and looked around the foyer, at all the people, colors, odd movie theater carpeting, looking around and kind of had an 'oh shit' moment, like I realized things had gotten real, and this thing I had been working on for the past 13 years may soon come to an end.  My eyes almost in sync.  It is a different sensation.  I can feel how it is different now.  I am using both eyes.  It was an emotional and private moment.  There's no way anyone could ever know what is happening to me, nor does it matter.  It's all mine.  I am very close.  I credit the cold plunges. 

Big changes are coming.

 The cold plunges definitely did something to my brain.  Things have definitely accelerated.  It feels like my brain just works better, and that I have more mental energy, for willing my eyes to do what I want them to do.  And, also, it all feels quite a bit easier to manipulate my visual system at will.

I think the cold plunges accelerated progress

 I can't be sure, but I think they have.  My vision as improved a lot since I began doing them.  Not just vision, but overall cognition.  I swear... if they could put that stuff in a pill, someone would make a lot of money.  Just interesting, because the effects last all day, even though the plunges are only three minutes of suck.  And they're not even that bad anymore.  It's crazy how fast the body adapts.  The first few days were absolutely brutal.  Now, it's still a bit of a shock, but I kinda don't mind it anymore.  There's still a bit of 'oh shit' and hyperventilating.  It's quite invigorating, and it lasts only three minutes.  I kinda get the feeling that this is going to be a trend.  As crazy as it seems, I think we're going to be seeing a lot more people doing it. 

I might have learned something new and important (it is the brain)

Recently I finished a solar-powered cold plunge project that I showed a bit here.  Basically a mini-solar grid I created in my shed, which I hooked up to a large chest freezer that I sealed with caulking, filled with water, and installed a filter and thermostat.  So I have a large water-filled chest freezer that has 35° F water in it all the time.  

You might wonder what the purpose of this is.  Indeed.  

Basically, it's bio-hacking, and inducing my body into a panic state.  This has a lot of cascading biological effects that happen to be very beneficial to one's health and well being.  Another word for it is hormesis. 

So I start my day with some breathing exercises and push-ups first thing in the morning for about 5-10 minutes.  Then I head to the shed, where I submerge my body into 35° F water for about three minutes.  Then I get out and make myself eggs.  That's really all it takes.  It's super-efficient.  But it does put the body into a state of panic, and effects stay with me all day.  Spiked dopamine, improved mood, cognitive function, it obviously wakes you up nearly instantly, rapid fat loss, increased metabolism, decreased inflammation--there's really a giant list of interesting and beneficial effects.  It's kind of a no-brainer and I wish I had completed this project way sooner. 

One of the things I noticed, is significantly improved vision, especially when walking around in my neighhorhood, I've been very carefully watching and monitoring where my eyes tend to fall when staring straight off into infinity.  This is what has made me notice very significant improvement, and the improvement seems to have happened at the same time I began doing cold plunges.  It's probably related to either increased dopamine, or decreased inflammation in the brain.  We'll see how it goes.  I wonder if this is the last thing I needed.  We'll see. 

Big perceived changes today

 Not so much in qualia but eyes seem straighter.  Changing my gaze from one object to another, I notice both eyes kind of automatically land close to where they should.  It feels awesome looking around.  

I'm going to stop talking about when this is going to happen, and just live my life and each moment.  I am really enjoying myself, and this journey at the moment.  Man, it feels good.  I feel like when I have that feeling, it's me moving in the right direction.  I've had a lot of those moments during the week.  And I suppose that's why I've had such a rewarding day: it's the payoff of having so many of those little 'feel-good' moments when noticing I'm using my eyes correctly, moving in the right direction, and stretching my capabilities. 

Over the hump

 There were previous blog entries where I talked about a type of regret that I didn't take my vision therapist's advise of using prism lenses, because of the speculation that it would have way cut down on the time it would take for me to achieve my goals.  I kinda sorta still have that regret.  But at this point, I don't think it matters, because I have much lower visual conflict these days, so the channel is really allowed to open up now.  

My vision feels so good these days, and things are moving so fast, I kind of want to say I will have achieved my goals in a month or two.  It'll probably be more like 6 or 12 months, but ... with the speed with which I'm seeing and feeling improvement ... it's hard to think that it will be that long.

Yep, things are definitely accelerating

 Today has been another holy shit day, especially when near the end.  Had a pretty long (almost 14 hour) shift today.  It's an extremely exciting time.

Feels like things are accelerating again

 Had another big day today.  Hard to describe.  The vision is moving in a positive direction for sure. 

Smooth, positive change

 Lately, it's just... totally bananas.  More and more, I'm getting a better understanding of what it means to use both eyes.  It's a smooth ramp.  Less, and less do I have to be concentrated on my vision.  It is extremely enjoyable to press the button, and to be continually rewarded with improved vision and depth effect.  It's also that feeling you get when you know you're using your eyes in the right way.  Feels awesome.  It is definitely coming.  Not sure when.  But it feels like it could be six months away. 

Amazing changes

 Another giant leap today.  

I didn't really do anything new.   I just worked a lot, staring into a monitor quite a bit.  Odd that it seemed to correlate with improved vision--staring into a monitor--that's terrible for your eyes, right?  That's what they say. 

 But that hasn't been my experience.  As long as you're focused and using good posture, and you periodically look off into the distance to give your intraocular muscles a break.  

I've noticed that improved vision is often accompanied by a system shock--whether it's after a night of hard drinking, or lack of sleep (I pulled an all-nighter last night with a 30 minute nap in the middle of the day.).

But yeah, I mean, it's definitely a noticeable change.  I wonder how many more of these there will be.  

How has it changed?  I guess, it's that it's becoming easier to control both eyes simultaneously is what I'm noticing--like it requires less attention and mental effort.   It's definitely an interesting and new direction to work toward.

Wearing in the groove

 I'm more convinced now than ever that I don't have to make any additional changes to my routine/regimen in order to achieve my goals.  All I have to do is continue wearing in the groove.  I played quite a bit of VR of the weekend.  The depth is coming in, and the difference in image quality accommodation between the eyes narrowing.  Gotta just keep deepening the groove.  Maybe do some things to increase neuroplasticity.  I know tDCS does that.  So do SSRIs.  So do ketogenic diets, apparently.  However, I think keto and this strict diet I have is good enough.  I may mess with tDCS a bit more in the coming days.  Gotta prep the saline, and hairbands, and electrodes. 

I am very close

 I had a crazy day today.  I'm glad I really got my diet honed.  I don't think I could have made the progress I'm now making if I hadn't.  I just wonder how much further I'd be if I had happened upon this diet sooner.  

Things are very different today.  Today has been an unexpected giant milestone. 

Feels like I'm very close

 Feels like I'm very close.

 I feel like it's the diet, and the increased mental energy.  I have more mental energy to man-handle my visual system into doing the right things.

Saw massive improvement over the past week

 nothing really to say here. 

What vision therapy has taught me (pt 3)

 Wow, I had an incredible day.  I was walking back to my car from yoga and realized I had hit a turning point.  I am very close.  Did something happen?  Yes it did.  

I hit upon an extremely positive life change, and it seemed to have had a massively positive impact on both my vision, as well as overall quality of life.  Basically, it was a dietary change.  

I've always experimented with diet, as well as with lifestyle in general.  Well, this change seems to be huge.  I seem to have struck gold.  Basically, I have the normal breakfast I'd been having for a long time (four-egg omelette with a lot of butter and cheese--strict ketogenic).  Then I drink green tea throughout the day.  I'll go as long as I can without eating (usually until 4pm), and then I'll eat a giant spinach salad with a small amount of Balsamic dressing, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, and then I douse it with probably around 600 Calories of extra virgin olive oil, and then cut up some pre-cooked chicken I had made in bulk with my sous vide immersion cooker.  

I've talked about the beneficial impact of ketogenic diets on vision quality in previous entries.   So what's changed?  I've been keto for a long time now.  What's different?  

I think there are a few things.  One is that I'd never done this combo before--and I think I now have my macros that are more inline with keto (high, high fat--and moderate protein).  The other thing is that I've eliminated a lot of bullshit from my diet.  I kind of suspect that it's this more than anything.  This is functionally an elimination diet that I didn't really intend to do.  So... now all I'm eating is eggs, butter, cheese... and then spinach, chicken, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, and a ton of extra-virgin olive oil. 

I kind of suspect that most people have some degree of allergy to the foods their eating, and that the cumulative effects of these allergies has a level of degrading effect on people that they're not even aware of.  The only way you can find out is through elimination.  

So I think that's what I accidentally did.  It's not just that the food I'm eating is super nutritious (it is--eggs, spinach, chicken, olive oil, broccoli)--it's a lot of other bullshit that I removed--which I'd argue may have been the major source of improvement.  

And what are the impacts?  One is I've noticed that the vision has improved markedly.  Walking around, looking at things, it really feels like I'm on the last leg of the journey--like... there's still work to do, but I have so much mental energy now, I have the energy to steer my vision.  The diplopia is really minimal now.  I think this diet is going to really accelerate things and take me to the end of the road.   I'm extremely excited.  

And it also seems to have given me a ton more mental energy for my job.  Heh, I recently had a 20-hour long shift.  It's not normal for my job to work that many hours, but in this case it was an emergency.  I started at 8am on Thurs, and ended up working until 4am the next morning.  There's no way I would have been able to do that on the previous diet.  Despite the dire situation (network outage) I was able to stay relaxed and focused the entire time.

Another thing is that lately in the past three months or so, I had gained love handles.  It's gross.  Now, they're rapidly melting away, and I think I'm going to have abs again probably in a few weeks.  Other thing is boozing.  I've never been much of a booze-hound, but I would enjoy having a drink or two after work.  Well, since I've made these changes, I've had zero desire for alcohol.  I know it's not good for you (I don't think small amounts are too deleterious), but it would always take the edge off, and help me relax.  Well, now when I think about drinking booze, all I can think of is how it wouldn't improve my state (only degrade it)--and the desire is just not there.  I just totally stopped drinking, and didn't even have to try.  Weird how diet can do that.  

Or is it?  You really are what you eat.  I know ketogenic diets are anti-inflammatory.  But I also suspect it's cumulative effects of years of experimentation (time of Caloric ingestion), eliminating bullshit (I still have carbs on Saturday), and getting the macros right.  Definitely gives me new appreciation for the importance of proper diet. 

More massive changes

 Holy shiznit, things are changing a lot.  Still have no idea of when it's going to happen, but I'm happy as long as I continually see positive improvement.  I am beginning to get some semblance of depth, as I walk past objects on the counter.  I notice I can pay attention through both eyes (weird to think about), and use those two images to infer some type of depth (it is not quite stereopsis--but it's getting there).  Weird that I'm seeing so much fast improvement, and so far along.  I think it may be somewhat related to dietary changes.  I'm eating super clean, and eating basically a ton of eggs for breakfast, and then salad and chicken as the linner meal, and then eating nothing in the evening.

What gives me hope...

 ... is how malleable the visual system is.  One thing that comes to mind is inverting glasses.  There are glasses you can buy out there that will flip your vision upside-down.  The brain is so crazy that if you wear these glasses long enough, the input will eventually flip itself again in the brain, and everything will then appear as normal.  However, when you take them off, the world will be upside-down again, and it will appear that way until the brain adjusts to having non-inverted vision.

The brain is so nuts man.  Progress is still coming.  I am noticing near weekly changes, but the changes that are occurring are pretty significant... especially when playing games in VR and reading text.

Long ramp (it is the brain)

 I realized it's been a while since I'd done an update--not so much because there's nothing exciting to say.  I don't have anything exciting or new to say.  This is just an update.  

I have nothing exciting or interesting to say, but that doesn't mean I'm not excited.  It's just that progress is so damn smooth.   I am noticing regular weekly changes.  I periodically think about how things might be different if I had a vision therapist and did what they recommended: getting prism glasses, and doing this or that.  But I'm happy with how things are going. 

I really think now more and more that it is the brain.  That's the bottleneck.  These weekly improvements to my vision (reduced diplopia, improved accommodation agreement between the eyes, improved cosmetics (the appearance of my eyes looks normal now--less perceived misalignment)).  My hardware (eyes and eye muscles and whatnot) is all good.  What's needed now is time, and for my visual system to get used using the new path that I've painstakingly paved for it. 

If that's true, then it may be time to get out the electrodes again, and begin combining stimulating my visual cortex with tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation) again with other activities that stimulate my binocular neurons.   Maybe... get the cathodes on the occipital lobes for 20 minutes or so, and then do VR for an hour or so... in order to tell the brain that I mean business. 

BIG changes are coming

 I had a CRAZY experience last night while watching TV.

Well... I finally know what it's like to use both eyes at the same time.  I was sitting there on my couch, relaxed *ahem*.  Paying attention through both eyes.  It was a bit weird and awkward, and it suddenly made me think of driver's education and driving for the first time in a parking lot.  The pedals felt stiff and jerky.  Every movement, action, and maneuver I made was conscious decision.  But then I remembered that this is how it works.  That's how it starts.  After a day or so, you've demoted those functions to the unconscious, and no longer have to think about driving.

I just sat there, for maybe ... 45 minutes, not even really watching TV, but playing with my eyes, noticing how good it felt, consciously adjusting accommodation for each eye in real time, not stressing, but just calm focus.  It felt incredibly good.  It's the weirdest thing to explain. 

Then I thought about Heather and her description of her 'Columns' exercise she gave me about 10 years ago.  She said this was her breakthrough after doing a few days of Syntonics (hence the name of this blog).  She mentioned that when she was flitting from one eye to another with the barrier cardboard in between it 'felt good'.  I'm pretty sure we were experiencing the same sensation.  Wild shit.  Big changes are coming.  Crikey.

Crikey McShitnuggets

 Saw a big jump today. I haven't changed anything I'm doing.  Really, vision therapy consists of virtual reality gaming, as well as mindfulness about binocular posture in general.  I've been thinking a lot recently that in vision therapy, a lot can be achieved through mindfulness alone.  

I've been thinking about thinking a lot lately, and thinking about the mental states we go through, and how we're, for the most part, just victims of causality, and really just going from one mental state to another, constantly buffeted around like the silver chrome ball in a game of pinball.  Most of the time we have no idea why we think and do things the way we do, and if we really just paid attention to our thoughts, sorted out what's useful, and what's not, we could be so much more effective as individuals.  

I've been thinking about myself and my visual system, and our relationship and how it's changed over time.  It's really similar to how one's relationship to a sport or subject changes over time when one spends an incredible amount of time and thought on that sport or subject.  Your neurons build around that object.  

Initially, you don't know anything about whatever-it-is.  You only have the most coarse and basic understanding.  Then you start poking at it, looking at if from different vantage points.  Your understanding, while still small, builds.  You quickly take that information in, incorporate it into your database, but for whatever reason, you still want more.  You get on top of it, and climb inside.  Now you know what it looks like from inside out.  But there's still more.  You notice all these little details, you poke at them.  The more 'curious' time you spend on it, the bigger the object's imprint on your mind.  The closer you look, the more there is, and it never stops.  This is how some people become unfathomably good at some things.  They've spent more time than you have building their database about that subject.  That could be for any reason.  Maybe they're more interested in it, and maybe they've just had more time than you. 

This describes my relationship with my visual system exactly, particularly when I'm talking about Zeno Paradox where, objectively, everything is improving always.  There is only one direction and that is improvement.  But also, the more I look, the more there is, and the more work I have to do.  It's a bit discouraging at times, but also exciting when I think about it.  Because I am a curious person, and I enjoy exploration.  And I am a kind of philosophical person by nature.  And I do find myself often having philosophical thoughts when doing vision therapy and thinking about vision therapy.  

My vision is indeed better now than it ever has been.  My mental resolution and mental representations about the subject are ever-increasing.  I have spent an ungodly number of curious hours on this.  And I think I just have to keep going and keep thinking and keep building and developing my mental representations of my visual system.  As said in previous entries, one of the objective markers I've used for checking on progress is the difference in accommodation between the two eyes particularly when reading text up close.  I've seen quite a lot of improvement and I haven't really been doing anything new or different, or even 'vision therapy'.  It's been basically mindfulness about binocular posture entirely.  I wonder how I'm going to use this knowledge moving forward when I've achieved my goals and am totally done with vision therapy.