It's a shitutation

Heh heh.  Get it?  It's a portmanteau for shitty situation.  Okay, so maybe I lifted that from Dane Cook's relationshit (shitty relationship).  Anyhiz.  

I'm not talking about my current situation.  At the moment, everything is going incredibly well.  It's mind-blowing how much my vision has improved over the past three weeks.  It's like... the ramp is so long, and I'm doing the exact right things, so the result is significant perceived changes every day, and huge perceived changes every week.  

No, by shituation, I'm talking about the situation that I was previously in, and which I believe many, many others are currently in.

It's the situation where gaining stereopsis as an adult is still new and controversial.  It's where you have educated people like Susan Barry who gained stereopsis themselves, and say you should go see a COVD vision therapist to put in your hand to fix your vision.  And at the same time there are many many optometrists and eye doctors who will tell you that vision therapy doesn't work.  

Well, who's right?  Susan Barry is right.  But also, so kind of are the vision therapists who say vision therapy doesn't work.  I think they're both kind of right.  As the optometrist I recently saw said to me 'Adults very rarely gain stereopsis.  Oh by the way, if you want to gain stereopsis, I recommend this vision therapist.'.  Wtf man.   You guys are all creeps.

Indeed, one of my homies back from the Facebook days, Michael Lievens (has a great blog Strabismus World) is someone who was on the same journey as me, and who gave up and had a kid.  So too, presumably, have many others I had gotten to know over the years.  Why?  Because adult brains are hard, and gaining stereopsis as an adult is extremely difficult.  

So the shituation is that there are many many people out there who have vision problems who are given somewhat false hopes by people like Susan Barry ("See, I did it, so can you.").  Those people are given hope, and then they spend huge amounts of time and money on a vision therapist and ultimately give up due to lack of progress and funds.  So they spend a lot of time and money on a vision therapist and get nothing in return.  And actually, it can be worse than if they had never started, because they had begun to lift the suppression, without having full fusion, which can result in double vision.  And guess what vision therapists are not going to do: they're not going to refuse your money.  That's the shitutation.

Adults becoming conscious to the idea that they can gain stereopsis is still a new thing.  It's nascent tech, and thus, vision therapy as an adult is a painful ordeal.  Being on the forefront is not for the pain-intolerant.  

The good news, however, is that technology generally goes in one direction: it gets better with time.  I do think that, with time, Susan Barry will be proven right--even if it is with some caveats.  I never had a vision therapist tell me to do keto or to submerge my body into ice water, and I probably never will.  It just sound nuts.  In time, I think it will be obvious that gaining stereopsis as an adult must be combined with activities that put the brain into a ready state in order for the training to be effective.  That can be Syntonics, tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation), the ketogenic diet, or daily cold exposure.  Of course, if you're reading this blog, you know what has worked for me (keto, and cold exposure).  

Old vs new

I remember listening to a conversation on Joe Rogan's podcast.  He was talking about MMA and the advantages of fighting as a young fighter (25 years old, for instance) vs fighting as as an older fighter (40 years old), and how performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) throw a monkey wrench in the balance.  

For instance, he said that pitting an older fighter against a younger fighter can be surprisingly balanced.  He said that this is because the young fighter has an advantage with agility due to having a younger, more spry body, while the older fighter has an experience advantage: he has been fighting for a much longer time than the younger fighter.  The two advantages they both have can have the effect of canceling each other out. 

But if you pump up the older fighter with steroids, then the younger fighter has effectively lost his advantage because steroids effectively give the old fighter a new body.  So now they're equally agile and spry, while the older fighter still has the experience advantage.  Not fair!

Indeed, I had a girlfriend around ten years ago who was a nurse at the time.  She told me about the widespread use of steroids seen in nursing homes.  Apparently TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) is extremely common among the elderly.  This is because it effectively makes them young again.  It has positive effects on so many things, including cognition, mobility, energy--more or less everything.  One of the effects of this is that it makes them extremely horny.  She explained that STIs are comically common in retirement communities, because the excess testosterone has such a powerful effect on libido.  And try and guess what these elderly are not using in conjunction with TRT.  Condoms.   

TRT and steroid use is extremely common in today's society--not just among the elderly--for the positive effects it has on people--energy, strength, mobility, cognition.  And why not?  As long as you use it responsibly, it seems the benefits outweigh the negatives.  

Of course, there's no such thing as a biological free lunch.  I'm positive that testosterone is the main reason men don't live as long as women.  And it's not due to the stupid risky things that you see men do that women tend not to do.  I think it's more to do with the cascading biological effects testosterone has on the body, and hardening of artery walls that testosterone seems to play a role in.  I'll probably get on it in my mid-50s, but my body still works basically like it does when it was 20 (I am now 40), so I'm holding off for now.

That's one of the perks of having undergone this journey of vision therapy.  There are a number of reasons I did it.  

One is that I knew my eyes and basic hardware were good, and that gaining stereopsis as an adult, in principle, would be a matter of training and work.  In principle, it should be possible.  Other people in a similar situation to myself have done it.  I should be able to do it as well.  And indeed, if my hardware is good, and it's possible for me to gain stereopsis, then it would be a crying shame for me to not at least attempt to put in my hand and fix my vision.  

Another reason is that I knew it would be difficult--if not, the most difficult thing I ever do.  If I actually were able to achieve my goals, I knew I would learn extremely valuable skills and lessons along the way: skills and lessons that I would be able to use and apply to other unrelated challenges and goals in life.  I could use this challenge as a unique opportunity for building my person and adding value to my neural net.  

And finally, I want to help others who are in the same situation that I'm in.  The shit situation that I was in, and which I know with certitude that many others are currently in.  I mean, I'm not a UPenn neuroscientist like Susan Barry, who had access to world-renowned vision therapist Dr. Theresa Ruggiero.  I'm just a curious, hardworking IT nerd with a ton of grit who's willing to do anything.  I did what Susan Barry suggested for others to do: get a COVD vision therapist.  I did that for a year, and didn't achieve much.  

So I did vision training on my own and went on my own investigations.  I met Heather, someone who gained stereopsis at around the age of 50, by initially firing her first vision therapist, got a new one, and then quickly gained stereopsis with the new one.  She's the one who introduced me to Syntonics (the reason for the name of this blog).  She also introduced me to Columns.  She quickly gained stereopsis with her new vision therapist through a combination of Syntonics and the Columns exercise.  I tried following what she did, but like with Susan Barry's suggestion of getting a COVD vision therapist, that didn't work either.  I spent at least 2-3 years doing Syntonics in combination of vision therapy no little to no success.  But she did instill the idea in me that success in vision therapy as an adult requires priming the brain, softening it, and increasing neuroplasticity in order to allow vision therapy to work.  

Many years later and through experimentation, I found that a combination of cold exposure and ketogenic diet would allow me to make progress in Columns that was required.  I think I'm very close.  

So yeah, the journey has been incredibly long, painful, and lonely, but I did learn some incredibly important and useful things.  You are alone in this journey.  No one is going to fix your vision for you.  You have to do everything.   It will be hard work, and you will probably have to do some painful and unpleasant things for long stretches of time.  It definitely hardened me.  

The things that worked for others did not work for me, but they did sort of get me on the right track.  Susan Barry inspired me, and demonstrated that it could be done.  She started it all for me.  Heather showed me Columns, and that the nervous system needs to be primed and put into a ready state in order for vision training to be effective.  There is a shitload that I had to figure out on my own.  Was the vision therapist I had 12 years ago going to tell me to build a cold plunge in my shed and to submerge my body into 35 degree water for five minutes at a time every day, or to do keto?  No.  I had to figure that shit out on my own.  

But I did figure it out.  And I'm glad as fuck that I did.  These techniques are life-changing.  I'm sure that these two things: cold exposure, and keto, have made my brain young and agile again.  So now I kind of have it both ways.  I have many years of experience (I'm almost 40 years old), and I have a youthful and agile mind.  I'm excited to see what the future holds for me, and I hope others can benefit from what I've learned.  

In addition, I hope people who were in my shitty situation can use what I've learned to gain stereopsis, and achieve things they might not have thought were possible.  And of course, we're talking about the brain--so this journey is not just about vision.  It's about the brain, and human potential.  Press on!

Due for some fireworks

 Yeah... noticed quite a lot of objective improvement markers today, which did not (yet) correspond to huge substantive subjective markers of improvement (depth qualia).  However, I have been noticing improved field of vision... and a sort of vividness that's hard to quantify.  It's almost like the brain is semi-fusing the images together and producing better visual fidelity, brightness, and crispness.  It's like there's a layer underneath that's ready to come bursting through.  It is quite exciting.  

Why it's such a long ramp

 I suspect the reason it's such a long ramp is because there are so many things that are being fixed behind the scenes.  One is the difference in simultaneous accommodation between the two eyes.  Another is the cyclodeviation (which I suspect is being fixed in software).  Perhaps there's additional software accommodations that are being made for the difference in refractive index for each eye.  So there's a lot to tend to that I'm kind of bulldozing my way through.  It's nice how accommodating the brain is for imperfections.  

Regardless.  I had an amazing day today.  Again, I saw massive improvements today.  Like, driving my car, I notice the normal double pair of road lines that are due to diplopia (sounds more dangerous than it actually is--I'm used to it).  The pair of road lines has nagged at me, because I can see the twist due to the cyclodeviation.  But today, I'm noticing the twist is way less, and the double images are closing in on one another.  Fusion cannot be far away.  I'm thinking another three to four weeks.  I had a pretty good session of PavlovVR today.  There was one point where I had a new sensation and I felt like it was about to fuse.  The double images suddenly got real close to one another, and it was effortless.  It didn't happen, but it was close.  I kinda suspect I might get fusion in VR first, because the eyes need to move less in VR, and because the stereo cues are so artificially exagerrated and powerful in VR.

Long ramp, lots of daily progress

 This is weird.  It's weird because even now that I'm doing exactly what needs doing, it's still taking a long time.  I'm hitting these exercises in exactly the right spot at a super high dose (an hour per day).  I am seeing huge improvement daily, and it feels like I will keep doing this for maybe another three to four weeks.   There will be a point sometime in the future where I've squeezed everything I can out of this regimen.  I'm hoping that's the point at which I'll have stereopsis.  It almost feels like everything I've done prior to this has been bullshit.  It's a little frustrating.  12 years of bullshit.  Oh well.  Better late than never.  

But at the same time, it's extremely exciting to think that even with the amount with which I've seen improvement, there is far more improvement to come.  

Still making fast progress

 Things seemed to slow down, just slightly.  Once I made that change in how I do Columns, things jerked forward very suddenly.  Things calmed down a bit, but I'm still making fast progress.  This appears to be a longer ramp than I expected.  There is quite a lot more work to do, but the workouts I'm doing are still challenging, which is important.  If the workouts aren't challenging, that means you're not moving forward.  So that's one way I know I'm still making rapid progress.  The other way I know I'm making rapid progress is that I'm seeing huge changes in VR.  It feels like stereopsis could come in at any moment, but I know from the objective markers, I'm not there quite yet.  I think that may be another two to three weeks.  Just taking it one day at a time.  It'll be super interesting to see where I am on Saturday/Sunday.

Lowering Columns to one-hour session

 Okay... maybe this will take a bit more time than expected.  Progress went so fast, and it still is.  I'm lowering the dose to one hour now.  

I did make a ton of progress last week.  Now it takes quite a bit less time for accommodation on both sides to appear equal.  The paper seems quite solid now.  I think two hours of Columns was a bit too much.  An hour should suffice.  I'll keep at it and see where I am at the end of the week.

I am pumped. Stereopsis is imminent.

 It feels like I may have fusion within two weeks.  Maybe less.  I am pumped.  My life is about to change in a huge way.  And it will be happening very soon.  

Wow wow wow wow. I am close.

 Wow.  

I predicted at the beginning of the week that this would be a productive week.  Indeed it was.  Driving around... wow.  I am close.  This is a bullshit amount of work.  Press on!

4-minute mile

 I was thinking... what if adults gaining stereopsis is a bit like runners initially breaking the 4-minute mile barrier?  Initially people thought breaking the 4-minute mile in running was impossible.  Then it was done by that Bannister fellow in the 60s.  Then once people realized it was possible, then it became possible, and tons of people began breaking the 4-minute barrier, and now it's not even considered to be that impressive.

What if once people observe adults gaining stereopsis late in life, and it becomes a thing, then that encourages many more people to try their hand?  They will realize it can be done and then say 'If that person can do it, then so can I.'  And then swarms of people try their hand and achieve stereopsis.  Perhaps it requires a critical mass.  What if this 'critical period' idea in psychology does indeed need to be revisited?  

The interesting thing about this idea is that it could mean a lot more people will fix their vision.  But it will also do a lot to change the way that people think about neuroplasticity and developing new skills in general, which could have far reaching consequences for the quality of life of many people.  

Thank God for VR

 Man, I'm making fast progress.  This is exciting as hell.  Right now the objective markers of progress are not super obvious.   However, in the evening when I go into VR, the subjective markers are very obvious.   It is getting increasingly immersive even while I still have obvious diplopia (I can see two barrels of the M4 rifle I use).  But I am seeing more, and am becoming more of a visual animal.  It's good for morale.  

I did just get back from grocery stores.  Grocery stores are another good thing for gauging progress as they they are designed to be visually stimulating.  I did wander in there, and noticed how bright things are, and noticeably more stimulating.  I am definitely becoming a more visual animal.  

Something struck me funny as I recalled the conversation I had with the optometrist the other day.  He mentioned that it was rare for adults to gain stereopsis.  I fully understand that--and I fully get why it's so rare.  It requires an unbelievable amount of grit and persistence--an amount that the vast bulk of people simply cannot muster.  So... why did he recommend a vision therapist if it's likely that I would not achieve my goals?  heh.  Something stinks about it.  

Another thing that stinks about it is that he said that I would not be able to achieve my goals without a vision therapist.  We'll see about that, won't we.  

This is an insane amount of work, but I'm making fast progress

 Yeah, this is a bit painful, and a shit ton of work, but I am moving quickly, which is all I could wish for.  

It's that stretching I'm working on, trying to slide from one eye to another, and keeping both accommodated at the same time.  I find that near the end of the two-hour workouts I have both sides pretty close to fully in-focus.  However, the next day, it's like I have to start from scratch--but there is memory from the last time.  I think I have to just keep doing this, and over time, it will take less and less time to get both sides in focus at the same time.  This really is a bullshit amount of work, but I also understand that's the way it has to be. 

I did get my prescription.  I'll probably have some spectacles sent to me sometime in the next few days. 

Had an interesting conversation with the optometrist.  My reason for going there was to get both eyes equal.  I explained the reason why (I want to get both eyes as equal as possible in terms of refractive index--in case that matters--for vision training.).  Regardless, he recommended a vision therapist, and gave me a recommendation--a woman I actually met and had an evaluation with quite a while ago.  No, I'm not going to dox her.  

Anyway, he did explain that it is uncommon for adults to gain stereopsis.  I told him that I believe it, and that was one of the causes of hesitance of me going forward with vision training with the woman he recommended.  In my visit with her sometime, maybe seven years ago, I asked her a pointed question (I am forward).  I asked her the success rate of her clients.  What percentage of her clients achieved their goals.  She said 100%.  That immediately turned me off, because I knew that it was not possible, and she was lying.  Lying is a huge no-no in my book.  The only possible way her clients' success rate is 100% is if she had one or two clients, and they were very lucky.  

I explained that to him, and he understood.  I also told him about the vision therapist I had around 13 years ago, and explained the situation.  Basically, I did vision therapy for a year, and spent $7,000, and did not achieve my goal: stereopsis.  The vision therapist said she thought we could make good progress if we kept going, but I explained that spending another year of work and another $7,000 for maybe achieving my goals isn't good enough.  I fully understand why she had no problems with it.  She had nothing to lose.  But what about me?  

There is something sleazy about many vision therapists, that's for sure (obviously not all).  And it's sad.  It's the same deal with health professionals.  We'd like to think they're putting us, the patients, first.  Of course, only a child or dunce thinks that.  "Oh, you feel sad sometimes?  Let me prescribe you this SSRI.  No need for evaluation, I can tell you need it.  This is the good stuff here, the supplier who takes me out to fancy dinners and expensive ski trips says it's real good and has no side effects."

Persistence

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.  The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." -- Calvin Coolidge

Current regimen

 I'm doing about two hours of Columns every day. until I achieve my goals--or until it makes sense for me to not do it anymore.  So I do that during the day, and then in the night, I'll do quite a bit of VR to work on integration (I am seeing way more depth now than ever).   It is exhausting.  Even though I know exactly what to do, and I'm doing all the right things, it still takes a lot out of me.  

On the right path

 Yeah, I'm definitely doing the exercise correctly now.  I'm more convinced than ever that I really needed the cold exposure and ketogenic diet in order to give the visual system the stamina it needs for the exercises to be effective.  

I was playing PavlovVR yesterday, and wow, does it look different.  Quite a bit more depth.  Yesterday I did Columns for around two hours, interpersed with breaks.  It really does take a lot out of me doing this much vision therapy.  I've even adjusted the way I do the exercises again.  I'll keep my left eye fixed on the letter, and then kind of slowly shift over to the right side.  Shift--as opposed to switch.  I can kind of slide over, and by doing this, I feel like I'm stretching the system, allowing for both sides to be in focus more and more with each pass.  This is me effectively 'tuning' the visual system.  As mentioned before, I may not need refractive correction, but I'm going to get it anyway.  I'll probably end up not using it.  It can't hurt to have the contacts there.  I have my optometrist appointment on the 14th.  I took my keto break on Saturday (ate a bunch of carbs), and went back into it on Sunday.  I felt my body switch to ketosis last night.  Should be a very productive week.  

Yep, I figured it out

 Yeah, I figured it out.  I've been doing Columns the new way for about two hours today (normally I do 20 minutes).  When I walk away, I notice my diplopia has wayyyy lowered (double images are nearly on top of one another--close to fusion).  And this is due to changes that were made in the past two hours alone.  It is definitely cause and effect.  I can't believe it.  I'm almost done... after 13 freakin' years.  I'm gonna go get some groceries.  I wonder what the store will look like.  

I think I got it (holy shit)

 To be clear, I don't yet have fusion/stereopsis, but I think I'm going to have it very soon.  I think I figured out Columns.  I actually think the improvement that I already mentioned today was related to the session of Columns I had done the previous day.  I had done it slightly differently than normal.  Here's what it was.  

Basically I was doing Columns much slower and more deliberately.  I was focused on seeing the entire paper with the whole of my vision.  So when I was shifting from column to column, when looking at the letter with my left eye (say), I would simultaneously be looking at the corresponding letter on the other side, and sort of notice the entire sheet at the same time.  It's a bit more difficult than normal shifting around, but it helps keep both sides in focus simultaneously (that's always been my problem).  As I do this, I notice that I can see both sides at the same time, and this is how it would be with normal vision.  So I just have to keep working that muscle, so that the entire sheet is solid.  If I keep doing this, it will become totally solid, and when it is solid, this will mean that I have fusion. 

Holy shit.  This is my Aha!  I fuckin' have this in the bag.  Holy shit.  I can't believe it.  Holy shit.  Holy fucking shit.  

Another massive improvement

 Wow.  I notice a huge improvement over yesterday.  Things feel effortless.  I still have a way to go, but things feel different, and amazing!  It really feels like I don't have much more to go.  I think the fact that I recently got knocked into ketosis made a huge difference.  So it's the combo of cold exposure + keto + Columns exercise + VR that's really making the difference.  The keto is really huge.  It just gives you the mental/visual energy that's needed to make vision therapy effective.  I think it also does something with neuroplasticity.  I am extremely excited to think that I may be near the finishing line.  I really... ok... breathe.  

Might not need correction, but going to get it anyway

 I've got an optometrist appointment coming soon to fix the refractive difference between the eyes (left eye sees better up close, right eye sees better far away).  

I recently made a small change in my diet which made me realize I was not in ketosis for a long time.  It's frustrating how easy it is to fall out of ketosis if you're not paying attention.  Anyway, all of the benefits of ketosis suddenly came back in, and my vision has again, improved quite a lot in response to the dietary change.  I'm seeing the double images come significantly closer, and it's like I have a lot more 'visual power' if you will.  I highly recommend the ketogenic diet for adults doing vision therapy.  

It's possible that I don't need correction in refraction, but I'm going to do it anyway.  It's not as expensive as I thought.  It can't hurt.  Worst case scenario, the contacts will just sit on my bathroom shelf.

Man, all these little things add up.  The exercises, the cold exposure, and the ketogenic diet.  I think I'm going to continue doing these things even after I achieve all my goals, because there's a reason these things help with the eyes.  They help the brain perform.  The eyes are the brain.  So that means these things I've learned in fixing my vision will be useful and helpful to me for as long as I have my brain--the duration of my life.  I do want to become proficient at Spanish, and perhaps become equivalent to a native Spanish speaker.  Is that possible at the age of 40-ish?  Will these things I've learned help me achieve that?  We will certainly find out.  

Back in ketosis

 Damn, I had fallen out of ketosis for a long time without knowing it.  I made a dietary change recently that put me into ketosis--and made me realize that there was a long period of time this year when I thought I was doing keto, but was not, in fact, doing keto.  Main thing to know about keto is that you have to get your macros right, and you have to eat a ton of fat.  If you can manage that, then keto is very easy, and there are huge benefits to it--most important to me is that it facilitates brain health and function.  Another thing to know about keto is that probably 95% of people who think they're doing keto--or that they're on 'keto'--are not in fact doing it.  Doing keto requires knowing what is needed for keto and being deliberate about it.  

For me, the cognitive benefits to keto are the biggest part.  It reduces the need for sleep, improves mental performance, lowers base levels of anxiety, suppresses appetite (and thusly is often used as a strategy for weight loss), lowers inflammation int the body, and particularly relevant to me, it very significantly improves vision.  Bah, just pisses me off because I've done this before.  I've even had similar posts to this in the past where I made a dietary change, which suddenly caused me to realize I had not been doing keto for a long time while thinking I had been.  It's easy to think you're doing keto when you're not.  I barely eat any carbohydrates at all... but if you throw in a giant chicken breast on your salad, that can throw you out of ketosis--if it throws off the carb/protein/fat ratio to enough of an extent.  Oh well... lesson learned.  Hopefully I don't have to learn it again.