#62 session

Things appear to be going great.  My vision has changed substantially overnight.  It's a little difficult to read what I'm writing now because the input created by my lazy eye is becoming more powerful.

When I did the light tube exercises I started noticing that the way my eyes are functioning is more normal.  Like--my lazy eye doesn't *want* to be exo or eso.  Instead, it's wanting to lay both input streams on top of one another--to fuse, I suppose would be the word to use.  And also, when I lay both streams on top of one another, I'm noticing that the accommodation difference for each eye is diminishing.  That is--I'm getting closer to my goal of being able to accommodate for both streams, while I'm fusing them.  Again, this is what a binocularly normal person does.

This very much has been a big theme in my approach to vision therapy--internalizing and intellectualizing what I am seeing and what I am doing, and then thinking about how a binocularly normal person would do those things.  And then thinking about what things I can do in order to get from point A to point B.  It's a lot of experimentation and a lot of self-regulation.  What I mean by that is that as a human being it's easy to get stuck in your own head.  I think that when doing something that's extremely challenging, painful, and potentially demoralizing, it's important to be able to step outside of yourself and try to be as detached as possible.  This certainly applies to vision therapy, because it is potentially extremely demoralizing.  This is because it's a pretty new thing, and it's not well understood.  Usually when you go to a doctor or an engineer or whoever deals with problems, they'll give you pretty good answers.  With vision therapy, this is usually not the case, even if 'vision therapists' let on that they know what they're doing.  So the result is that you're alone, and stranded with a fucked up visual system that only tiny number of people on the planet understand and whom you have practically no hope of getting access to.

So yeah, mental toughness is a requirement, and knowing a few things about psychology is important, just so you're able to see the signs of a mental breakdown before it happens.  When you feel it coming, try to step outside of yourself, meditate, or do yoga.  Remind yourself that you have to be an observer, and that this doesn't all happen at once.  I'm hoping that three months of light tube and a few other exercises will be enough to achieve my goals.  Really, that's incredibly quick, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  Granted--I'd been doing a bunch of nonsense vision therapy exercises for 2.5 years prior to this.

Anyway--that was a long tangent.  Saccades went great.  The accuracy is still improving.  But I am more excited by what I saw when I did the light tube.  I am expecting to see some changes in my vision as I go about my day.